Misguided Ghosts
by whispertoascream333
Summary: Clare recounts the story of a tragic love. How will she live when her reason for living no longer lives?
1. Chapter 1

Misguided Ghosts

Artist: Paramore

A/N: Been a while since I've written a fanfic but this just came to mind and I feel as if I have to write it. Reviews and feedback are always welcomed. I hope you enjoy.

I listened to the quiet rumblings of the creek as I walked along the edge of the water. The sound was comforting. It reminded me of a time when things were actually peaceful; before all the chaos and worry that consumed me for a time. I hadn't come to this section of the woods in quite some time. I needed to make sure I could handle it. A thousand memories flickered across my mind as I continued my short walk. We used to come here all the time. Summer nights were spent laying underneath the stars. Breaks from reality were the norm as the two of us lived in our own little world. I would give anything to have him back but life doesn't always go according to plan. He said it was for the best. It hurts to know I can't pick up the phone and call him. Nonetheless, his voice still echoes in my ears. This is my story...his story...the tale of our love and the things in life that just seemed to get in the way of that. Now that I look back on it all, I don't regret a single moment. Each one has been far too precious for me to ever turn a blind eye to. He'll always have my heart. _No amount of time or space could ever change that._

"Eli! Wait up!" I called out as I left from school. It was the last day of classes and I was beyond happy to have the whole summer with him. He stopped in place and turned to face me. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. He looked so beautiful, that infamous crooked smile danced along his lips. He walked towards me and all sense of reason escaped my mind.

"Hey, there beautiful," he greeted me as usual. He always said that and yet my cheeks still grew a deep shade of pink. "Ready to tackle this summer together?" he asked taking a hold of my hand.

"With you?" I made a face. "Nah, not at all."

"Ouch!" he joked feigning heartbreak. "Well that's too bad because I really planned on making this a summer you wouldn't forget." His words thrilled me as I wondered what he could possibly have up his sleeve. With a guy like Eli, it was best to expect the unexpected. Surprises were his trademark. I could spend forever wondering what schemes he had going on in his mind.

"Sounds promising. I suppose I could spare a few moments of my time for you," I mused, resting my head against his shoulder briefly as we continued to walk. Times like these were always the most precious. Quality time with the guy I loved, away from the prying eyes of outsiders.

"Only a few moments? Here I was thinking we had forever." He frowned jokingly and I playfully hit his arm as we walked up the short steps to his house. He opened the door and let me inside before him. His house had become like my own as of late. My parents and their bitter divorce left me seeking refuge outside of my own home.

Eli dropped his bag at the door and I followed suit. He held onto my hand, interlacing our fingers. I smiled at the simple gesture. I could never tell him fully how much little things like that meant to me. He walked us over to the couch. I sat beside him for a moment before laying my head against his chest. I could hear his heart beat faster at the contact. That was a melody I could never grow tired of. We sat in silence for a time. The only sounds in the room were the ticking of the clock above the TV and the soft sounds of his neighborhood.

"What are you thinking about now?," I ventured, my voice seeming to pierce the solitude. He didn't answer right away. I peered up at him. His eyes were closed and his face was serene. For a moment I thought he had fallen asleep until he shook his head thoughtfully.

He let out a sigh before he spoke. "I'm thinking that I don't want this to ever end. I love being with you but at times..." he trailed off. His eyes opened and he sat upright. I got off of him and tucked my legs underneath me. I took in his tortured expression and grew worried. His green eyes seemed to lose the shine I had gotten so used to.

"Eli...what is it?" I could hear the concern in my voice as it trembled a bit. "You can talk to me about anything, you know that." My eyes continued to scan his face. He dropped his head in his hands. I placed a hand on his knee. "Whatever it is, we can get through it together." I tried to offer a smile but it seemed to foreign on my mouth.

He turned his face to me. I was taken aback by how downcast his expression was. "No matter what, I'll always love you. You have to remember that, Clare. No amount of time or space could ever change that. Do you understand me?" His eyes were wild but his tone was soft. I could feel my eyebrows furrow in confusion. My voice seemed lost so I simply nodded. He blinked back tears, or so it looked like to me. The sight broke me heart.

"I'll always love you too, Eli. You're scaring me right now," I whispered. He shook his head, his mouth twisting into a grimace.

"That was never my intention. I'm sorry, let's just forget I said anything alright?" He rose from his seat and paced the length of the living room. I watched him with anxious eyes. He looked like a man on fire and it troubled me to no end.

"It's okay, Eli. Please, just relax, okay?" I stood up as well and crossed the short space. My feet planted into the ground, blocking his path. He stopped and looked at me with the most unreadable expression. He reached a hand out to my face. Softly he glided his thumb across my cheekbone. I could feel myself blush as I always did at times like those.

"You're so beautiful. I don't know what I did to deserve you...I don't deserve you at all and yet here you are. It never made any sense for you to love me," he spoke. His words seemed calculated. His face grew confused as he talked, as if he didn't understand his own comments.

I shook my head defiantly. " Don't be ridiculous, Eli. You're the mostt amazing person I know. Don't ever doubt that." I smiled softly and pressed my lips to his. I could feel my heart flutter as he kissed me back but it was off. I pulled away and watched his face. He averted his gaze and looked at the ground. "What's the matter?" I asked.

Eli cleared his throat. "It's nothing. I'm fine. I think I'm getting sick or something is all," he said briskly. This brought me up short. I wasn't sure what to say or do.

"I could make you soup. Go to bed, I'll take care of you." I turned to head into the kitchen and felt his hand on my arm.

"No, it's alright. You don't have to. I'm alright." His face did not match the words he spoke but I didn't press any further.

"At the very least, get some rest. I'll leave you to it. If you need me, call me...okay?" My eyes searched his face. He seemed to relax a bit. I didn't know if should have been comforted or hurt.

"Sure thing, Clare." He pecked my cheek before he walked over to the foyer. I stood there, stunned for a moment before I followed after. By the time I reached him, he already had my bag in his hand and the door open. I looked at him, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach at his haste.

"I love you, Eli," I said taking my bag back. "Whatever you need, just call. I'll be home." I shrugged and kissed his cheek before I walked over the threshold.

"I love you too. I always will, no matter what." He smiled tentatively and I felt uneasy. I hated how he was talking. It seemed foreboding in a sense. He seemed to pick up on my anxious expression. "I'll be fine. I always figure out a way to deal."

While his words were meant to comfort, they only added more to the stress and worry I felt. I swallowed the lump that rose in my throat. I nodded twice and waved. I could still see his face in my head the whole walk home. His words swirled around in my mind, clouding my thoughts. I felt sick. Something was seriously wrong and my instinct told me something bad was about to happen very soon.

[End of Chapter 1. Please review, I'd love if you did!]


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My entire night was filled with thoughts of Eli. I wanted nothing more than to understand why his mood had become so downcast. It troubled me but Eli was the type of person who would say things in order to pacify my feelings. He wouldn't tell me upfront what the issue might be. Rather he would opt for a bit of probing. I suppose in his eyes he saw this fit. He'd never want me to know how much he was dealing with. Although it was for my own protection, it still made me worry. I sighed as I tossed and turned in bed. My thoughts were a million miles away as they all focused on Eli. My mom was out late once again. I rolled my eyes picturing her latest outing. Undoubtedly she was with some random man I wouldn't ever care to know anything about. I curled myself into a ball and fought back tears. I wanted to call him like I always did when I felt this way but it was clear Eli was dealing with his own troubles. He didn't need me tacking on yet another concern. I turned onto my side and closed my eyes. Before I knew it sleep found its way to me.

As I dressed in the morning, I couldn't shake this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. It felt foreboding in a sense. I knew something was going to happen, something I wouldn't particularly like. Nonetheless, I shrugged into my purple polo and readied myself for the daunting day before me. The walk to school was quiet enough. The only sounds were that of my feet hitting the cement as I ambled down the sidewalks on my way to school. Soon enough I mixed in with the crowd of kids donning yellow, purple, red, and blue. They all smiled and laughed among themselves. I wished I could join in with their cheerful dialogue but I still felt so distant from everyone. A frown fell upon my lips, etched there for a majority of the day. I scribbled in my notebooks as my teachers droned on discussing topics that didn't hold any interest for me.

"Miss Edwards, is everything okay?" my History teacher asked. His voice broke through the fog and I felt at least twenty set of eyes fall on me. My cheeks flushed under all the unwanted attention.

"I...I'm fine sir," I stammered, averting my eyes. He seemed content and carried on the lesson. All the while I kept my face buried in my book.

Relief came in the form of the bell ringing. For the first time that day I felt my spirits lift. It was lunch and I'd be able to see Eli. Just the mere thought sent my heart racing. I quickly packed my bag, stuff my pen and notebook inside and rose to my feet. I weaved in between the cluster of students on my quest to see him. I knew he'd be at his locker, ridding himself of the now useless books of the day. As expected he was there, locker ajar and he tossed his books in. I crept up behind him, putting my hands over his eyes.

"Guess who," I said softly with a laugh.

Eli put a hand over mine and pulled it off his face and turned to face me. I knew him well enough to know the smile on his face wasn't a genuine one. I could feel my face drop as he looked at me. "Hey, beautiful," he said. Even his tone was off. I searched his eyes for a moment. "What? Is something wrong?" he asked expectantly.

"Funny, I was about to ask you the same." I continued to watch him with curious eyes. Eli seemed unsure of what to say or do next as he looked at each other in an awkward silence. He was the first to break the stare, turning back to his belongings and closing his locker.

"I'm fine, Clare. See?" he smiled ",happy as can be. Now can we go?" His sharp tone brought me up short. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away. "Great, now you're upset. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to snap at you. I just don't understand why you won't let this matter drop." He gave me a strong look and shook his head.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I care about you?" I said sarcastically.

"No one said you had to." His features were dark, his eyes seeming to pierce right through. I was stunned. I searched his face once more before I spoke.

"Well I want to, Eli. I love you. I'll always care and worry about you." I could hear the cracking in my voice and I resented the fact I was so hurt off of this. My eyes started to tear and I angrily wiped my eyes and sighed. All around students continued chatting and moving on with their lives. Eli and I remained in our own world.

He sighed as well and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't haven gotten upset. I'm just in a weird head space right now." I looked back at him. I wondered what was going through his head.

"I wish you would tell me what's going on with you. I swear it's like-" I was cut off. The late bell shrilled. I looked around and noted we were alone in the hall. Eli turned and leaned against his locker. He sank down to the floor, his eyes closed and his head resting against the locker. It troubled me to see him this way. I took a seat beside him and waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts. After about a minute he still didn't speak. I continued with my earlier statement. "I swear it's like you want to suffer alone. I'm here for you, Eli. You can't shoulder all of this by yourself. You aren't a superhero...you're not invincible," I said. "Please, let me help you." I took a hold of his hand.

Eli's eyes opened and he looked back at me. He pulled his hand away and rose to his feet. "I don't need help. I know exactly what I'm doing." His voice wavered but his eyes were serious. There wasn't a single trace of the Eli I knew. I looked up at him and bit down on my lower lip.

"Fine then. If you don't need me, I won't be here." I got to my feet and adjusted my bag. "Consider me gone then. Good luck with everything, seriously." I put on my best brave face and turned away from him, my foot steps seeming to echo in the desolate halls.

A part of me wanted to here his footsteps follow after mine but the didn't. I dared to look back and my heart broke as I saw him walking even further away. I stood in place and watched him go. His shoulders slumped over as he gripped the strap on his bag. I didn't mean to be so harsh but his habit of pushing me away was getting to me. I wanted to be there for him but I didn't have any means of doing so. He just wouldn't let me inside in mind. Why, I would never know. Didn't he know how much I loved him? Couldn't he see how much I cared?

Instead of feeling sad, I grew angry. I shouldn't have had to cry my eyes out for someone who didn't put forth the effort to prevent the tears in the first place. I squared my shoulders and stalked off in the opposite direction. I refused to cry anymore. It wasn't fair to me. I cared for Eli more than anything in the world and if he couldn't see that, I didn't know how I could. Weren't my actions enough?

Angrily, I pushed open a side door. I didn't have any regards as to who may have been watching. A teacher or even the principal could have been right behind me and it would have done nothing to change my resolve. I needed an escape and the glowing red EXIT sign seemed like fate. Once outside I felt as if I could breathe again. I let out a sigh as I walked down the short steps and out onto the street. My heart was in my hand as I fought back tears I didn't wish to cry. I was sick of always feeling miserable. A change was needed and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my path. I raced home, not caring that I still had a few more lessons for the day. The world could be put on pause for a moment. I needed time to myself to think and unwind.

I made it to my house in what felt like no time at all. I practically ran down the block once I caught sight of my house. The promise of curling up in bed was all to promising now. I walked quickly to the door and stopped in my track as a figure stood a few paces away. I shuffled on the balls of my feet and bit down on my lip as he looked at me with tears in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I felt paralyzed as I stood frozen in place. I could never forget the look in his eyes as he watched me. The anguish on his face tore me aparat. The way his brows furrowed together, the rims of his eyes grew, the way his mouth turned down into a frown. As much as I wanted to be furious with him for how he acted back at school, I couldn't; not when he looked like that. Eli seemed so small and fragile, as if one push was all it would take to break him. I crossed the distance and stood a foot or two across from him. His hands were in his pocket as he leaned against the door, his slender frame seemingly detached.

"What is it?" I asked as the silence seem to carry on for a while. "Why are you here?"

Eli averted his gaze for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I've come to say goodbye," he said dropping his hand and looking back up at me. It looked as if there were a storm brewing behind his emerald eyes. My heart dropped as I took in his expression. His features were so altered due to his sadness.

"Goodbye? What do you mean? Where are you going?" I had a million questions racing and swirling around in my head. I opted for these three, the ones that seemed most vital.

He drew in a deep breathe, his expression still downcast. There was a pause before he spoke, both of us staying quiet for a time. The only sounds were that of the low rumblings of the neighborhood. He opened his mouth to speak and I focused intently on what he had to say.

"I'm doing this for you, Clare. You deserve to be happy and you can't be happy with me. There's just no possible way. It pains me to say that but I love you enough to give you that freedom." His voice shook but he still tried to plaster on a smile for my sake. It didn't help my resolve in the slightest. The smile didn't touch his eyes at all. In fact his eyes seemed dull and vacant. It was like he was there but not fully aware of everything.

"Eli, what are you talking about? We had a stupid little fight, that's hardly grounds to break up," I tried to reason. "Look, just come inside and we can talk this whole thing over, okay?" I gripped the door handle but was stopped as Eli's hand rested atop mine. I stared at it for a moment before meeting his gaze.

"I didn't exactly plan on staying long. I just needed to let you know I'd be leaving." His tone was off putting and his words left me confused. He wasn't making any sense at all and from the look he gave me, I could tell he knew I was unsure. "Clare, I just...no matter what, I'll always love you, okay? I need you to know that." The urgency in his voice set off alarms in my mind. I shook my head in a poor attempt to clear it.

"No, just come inside for a bit. We can talk this whole thing out and maybe then I can actually understand what it is you're getting at," I said fumbling with my key. Eli took a step back and shook his heas slowly.

"I can't stay. I really have to head out." Our eyes met and I could see tears threatening to fall as he studied my face. "You really are beautiful, Clare. I'm happy I met you. You've changed my life." Why was he saying all of this? Was this some code I was suppose to crack.

"Eli, really. Five minutes of your time-"

"I can't spare any time at all," he said cutting in. "I love you, Clare. No amount of time or space could ever change that." He walked back towards me and placed his hands on either side of my face. He glided his thumbs across my cheeks and as usual my face flushed. A semblance of his half smile fell across his lips and for a moment I saw the Eli I knew. It was short lived as his eyes scanned my face, almost as if he were committing it all to memory. "I'll always love you."

I was just about to respond when he suddenly touched his lips to mine. The kiss wasn't like any other we had. Yes, we shared passionate kisses but this one had such a sense of urgancy and hunger behind it. I found a nice rhythm against his lips and for a moment I forgot about any of the nagging concerns that overcrowded my mind. I breathed him in, fingers running through his dark locks, holding on as he deepened the kiss. The moment was beautiful as we held on to one another, the world seeming to disappear for a time. Eli broke away from me and I felt as is I were in a fog, my eyes dimly open as I was brought back to the present. A small smile and laugh escaped me. Eli fidgeted with his rings and smiled so faintly and briefly, I was left wondering if I hadn't just made it all up.

"Are you sure you have to go?" I asked expectantly. I was hoping I could steal just a bit more of his time.

Eli opened his mouth to speak but closed it back. He licked his lips and bit down as he mulled it over. I watched his eyebrows knit together. "I wish I could but, it has to be done. I need to say goodbye and leave it at that."

His answer was expected but it still stung. "Okay, but will I see you soon?"

Eli blinked multiple times and shook his head. "Perhaps in due time. Bye, Clare." He looked at me and wiped at his eyes. He turned away so quickly.

"Bye, Eli," I called after him. I watched him go fleetingly. He wasn't alright at all and I feared he wouldn't be for quite some time. He seemed desperate to go home. I figured I would give him a call later on after he had time to unwind and cool off.

I unlocked the door and threw my bag down at the foot of the stairs. The house was quiet as expected. I tossed my key on the table and headed up to my room. I needed to relax for a bit. My mind was filled with far too many thoughts to decipher just one. I changed into my comfiest set of pajamas, not caring that it was midday. I went over to my bookcase and picked up a book at random. It didn't matter to me what I read so long as I got my thoughts onto other things. _The Bell Jar _by Sylvia Plath was the first thing my fingertips made contact with. I sauntered over to my bed and took a seat in the middle, opening the book to the first page.

It didn't take long at all for me to become completely absorbed in the text before me. I sat back in amazement at her words. I took a small break, setting my bookmark on my page before casting the book aside. I thought about Sylvia Plath and the book itself. She had killed herself a month after _The Bell Jar_ was published. The book was semi-autobiographical. It got me wondering about how fragile the human mind could be. To take your own life was by far one of the most difficult acts a person could do. I shook my head and got out of bed. The last thing I wanted to do was have such dark thoughts lingering in my mind.

I hadn't realized the time had moved along. When I read I had a habit of getting so lost in the story that the real world seemed non existent. My feet made a light sound as they made contact with the hardwood floor. I wondered what Eli was up to now. Had he finally relaxed? I hoped so as I reached for my phone and called him. I paced around my room as I held the phone to my ear. The constant ringing filled the quiet space. Finally it stopped.

"Eli, hey. I'm glad I got a hold of you. I was just checking in to see if-"

"This isn't Eli," a familiar voice spoke. It sounded much like his father but his tone was off.

"Bullfrog? Oh, I'm sorry. Is Eli there?" It was a stupid question but I still asked nonetheless.

"Clarabell..."he trailed off and my heart sank. "I'm so sorry," he said, his tone grave.

I swallowed the lump that rose in my throat. Bullfrog's voice wavered. "We need to talk."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I didn't know it was possible for a heart to beat that loudly or quickly. The edges of the room seemed to blur. This had to be bad. Why was Bullfrog answering his phone? Where was Eli? I had a million questions and yet not a single word escaped my lips. They all seem to get stuck in my throat. I sat back down on my bed. My heart continued to race as I tried to focus on Bullfrog's next few words. They would undoubtedly be vital and shape everything. My ears rang as the silence of my room beat down against them. My breathing was heavy and labored. I knew somthing terrible had happened but nothing could have prepared me for this.

"Bullfrog, where is he? Please.." I pleaded, my voice cracking under the worry.

There was a pause that seemed to drag on for a lifetime. Finally he spoke, his tone hesitant. "He's in the hospital now." I slipped off my bed and sank to the floor. With a soft thud, I landed without and regard. This can't be happening, I thought feverishly to myself.

"Why, is he going to be okay? Is he sick?" I needed answers.

"You need to get down here...quickly." As soon as he spoke the words I was fast on my feet and changing out of my pajama bottoms. I stuffed my feet in the first pair of shoes I could find.

I raced out of my room, taking the stairs two at a time and jumping once I only had four to go. Not a single moment could be spared. I needed to see him as soon as possbile. My heart was in my hand as I raced over to the hospital. I skidded to a stop as I made it through the automated doors. The cool air of the hospital felt refreshing. I hadn't noticed how hot I was from the heat outside and running around so much.

"ELI!" I shouted at the receptionist. Her eyes widened at my sharp tone. I couldn't help it. I felt completely on edge. "Eli Goldsworthy," I said in a softer but still urgent tone. She pursed her lips. I wasn't sure if she was mad at me for being so curt or if she felt bad for Eli's state.

She didn't have to speak. Before she could answer me, CeCe came racing down the hall. Her expression scared me. "CeCe, what's happening? Please, what's going on?" My voice was shot was tears formed in my eyes. She usually wore a smile and now I almost couldn't recognize her. She wrapped her arms around me and began to cry. I held onto her as well and cried. I had no idea what my tears were for but the whole scenario was simply overwhelming. The lights were far too bright and the smell of the antiseptics made my head spin. I clutched CeCe and she smoothed my hair as she spoke.

"Clare, honey. I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry, I know how much he loved you," she said. I pulled away from her sharply. Her use of past tense did not go unnoticed.

"Loved?" I shook my head. "No. He loves me. I need to see him. Is he awake? What room is he in? He's probably so scared," I insisted as I moved past her. I felt her hand secure around my arm as she pulled me back gently. She seemed like she had so much to say but instead tears poured out of her.

"Honey, he's gone." Surely I was hearing her wrong. I pulled away from her.

"Stop! Stop saying that, CeCe. He's fine. He'll be alright, okay? Just stop!" I cried before leaving her alone in the hall. I ran without any real direction in mind. I didn't know which room he was in but I didn't care. I would have knocked down every door if need be. I sneakers squeaked against the linoleum floor. I needed to keep moving. My heart beat erratically against my chest, tears swelling in my eyes. There was slightly opened door at the end of the hall. I raced towards it and pushed it open. Bullfrog was standing by the bed, his body hunched over. He turned at the sound of my arrival and stepped aside.

"No! Please...please..no.." My legs gave out as I tried to take another step. I collapsed, crashing down hard onto the ground. I knew it should have hurt but I couldn't feel a single thing. Location and time seemed non existant. I was faintly aware of Bullfrog rushing to my side, I wasn't quite sure. I could feel his arms around me as I buried my face in his chest. I needed to escape but there wasn't any means to do so. Angrily, my hands balled into fists and I pushed him. I didn't mean to cause harm but the pain was far too much.

"Clarabell...he loved you so much," it sounded like he said. I shook my head stubbornly and screamed.

"God, no. Why? Why, God? How could you take him from me. Why?" I repeated as I continued punching and beating Bullfrog's chest. I know he didn't feel anything. He was a strong guy and my small fists probably didn't affect him at all.

My sobs grew heavier and louder. I felt sick to my stomach as the room turned on its side. In that moment, I never wanted my own death to come so quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Nothing could save. The ground was ripped from underneath me and I was free falling. Bullfrong continued to hold me but I kept sinking further and further. His words were dulled out. The lights overhead seemed so dark as I continued to scream. I balled my hand to a fist and placed it over my mouth. Nothing worked; the cound was still extremely shrill. I could sense someone else behind me. The hands were gentle and comforting. This other person joined in my crying. I assumed it was CeCe but I didn't have the energy to turn around and check. I felt sick to my stomach as I fell deeper into the darkness. I needed an escape. I needed to break free of these four walls that trapped me here. I pushed Bullfrog away and tried to stand. My legs felt weak and I grabbed onto the counter for support. They both extended their hands to me but I simply waved them off. I could feel their eyes on me. I didn't know what to do with myself.

"Honey, would you like a minute alone with him?" CeCe asked after a moment or two. I looked up at her. It was hard to make out her features. My eyes were so filled with tears she ended up just looking like a blur. My voice was lost amongst all the pain. I offered a nod and she and Bullfrog left me to myself. I let out a sigh. This was far too much to take and I didn't know how to handle any of it. My legs still felt weak but somehow they carried my over to his bedside.

If I didn't know any better, I would say he looked as if he were alseep. For the first time in what seemed like forever, his face was peaceful as if nothing could ever disturb his thoughts. I would have given anything to look into his emerald green eyes one last time but now they remained shut, forever. The thought ripped through me and I began to cry again. It was all so surreal. I looked around, noting the IV that was suppose to help stabilize. Clearly he needed more than what that little pouch could offer. I gripped the railing on the side of his bed and continued to watch him. For some reason the tears just stopped. I reached out a hand and touched his face. His skin was so smooth under my fingertips. I traced the outline of his jaw and cheekbones, a soft smile crept on my lips. I didn't know why I was smiling. There wasn't a single joyous factor in this equation. I frowned then at the thought. I held his hand in mine and leaned over. I kissed his forehead and smoothed out his hair.

"Eli, why? Why couldn't you just talk to me? I could have helped...I could have done something. I love you so much and now you just left me here on my own. I can't do this without you," I said, tears making their presence known again. "God, this isn't right. Eli, we could have worked this out. I need you! Please, you have to wake up. Baby, please. Just wake up and we can talk about all of this," I said frantically. I kept pushing and shaking him and yet his eyes stayed close. _Why won't he wake up?, _I thought. _Why is he still sleeping?_

"Come on, Eli. This isn't funny anymore." I looked down at his unmoving figure. His face was still so peaceful. I placed a hand on his chest. There wasn't a single heartbeat to be felt. I tried again, maybe I need to move over a few inches. I ran a hand all over his chest and still there was nothing, not even the smallest trace of a beat. What did this mean? I was in denial. A part of me thought my mind had snapped, the other knew exactly what was happening. I didn't want to listen to the latter voice, the voice of reason. I was comfortable believing I had conjured this whole train wreck. I chewed down on my lower lip and sobbed. Stubbornly I shook my head. I was not ready to accept this at all. I buried my face in his chest, wanting nothing more than to feel his arms around me. I longed for the comfort he could no longer provide. Heavier my tears continued to fall. My eyes felt raw and I wondered how it was possible to still have tears left to cry. This was eating away at me.

Why couldn't he just open his eyes? How long had he been suffering? What could I have done to save him? Did he even want to be saved? I thought back to _The Bell Jar_, the book I had been reading before I made the call. The irony of it all did not escape me. It felt as if the world were playing some cruel joke on me, on us. I looked up at Eli. His beautiful face now frozen in time and a new wave of tears washed over me. I wanted to join him so badly in the place where there wasn't any hurt; no pain. I wondered what it was like to be him now. Could he still sense me? I knew I could feel his spirit around me, almost as if he has just entered the room. But he wasn't there, not really and the reality of that set me into a tail spin.

I studied his face. I already knew every line, every single facet all too well but still I could not tear my eyes away from his face. I just had so many questions that would now remain unanswered. It all went back to the questions _Why?_ and _How? _I wasn't sure how long I watched him or how long I kept his hand tightly in mine. It didn't matter. It could never have been long enough.


End file.
